I cant even title my feelings right now....

I am feeling.... Scared tired alone overwhelmed stressed annoyed like I cant do this anymore like I need to run away not good enough It seems like every time we take even half of a step forward we take and 25 back. It is almost impossible to dig out of this right now. It is taking away from the things the kids need. So ready for this storm to move on and let the sun shine!

Camping

We are planning on going camping this weekend. We will have all 4 of the kids with us! We have not gone camping with Ella since she was almost 1 and now she is 3! This weekend is also part of her birthday fun:) She is pretty excited about that. I am kind of nervous about camping with the baby but we shall see how it goes!! So far most of the weekend looks like rain! Praying it holds off so we can have some fun and play games out side with the kids. Not really feeling a ton better today. Having to force myself to get things done and smile. Def not enjoying this. The worst part about all of this is that I dont even want to talk to Jesse. He really is my only friend and the only person I tell everything too. Sucks not being able to spill my guts every night...

Ill just go cry now...

Feeling stressed today.. Never enough "help" and having to take on so much on very little to no sleep is really causing an issue today. I have done very good keeping myself sane this whole time. I have had 1 break down since I had JR and it was right after he finally came home from the hospital. It could just be that I am pushing myself too hard. But most of it lies in that fact that I feel/think that my husband has been very unsatisfied with me. Not with one certain thing but in almost everything. I cant cook enough. I cant do my hair right. I don't keep the house clean enough. I cant control the kids enough..... blah blah blah. It sucks feeling this way. It could just be that I am very borderline depressed. So much happened right after I had the baby that I never actually had time to deal with any of it and then it was back to normal suck it up and deal time. Getting a lot of pressure to be a certain thing all the time is really starting to kill me.

D.I.Y wedding planning.

I am going to attempt to create most of the things we will need for our wedding.


~Jaennetta and I made the sashes for all of the girls to wear for $10!
If I bought the ones in the store they would not match and there was only 4 in a pack. Well I need 5!! The 4 pack was $20.00!!

~For our Guest book I found a plain white book for $5.99.
My plain is to wrap a ribbon around it make it match our color and also put a "G" on the cover.

~ Invitations~
I found the right color in a kit to make your own invites! The best part was that they were on clearance!! Each box has 50 invites in them. 3 boxes at $11.99ea.

~ We will not be using real flowers. Jesse's mom is going to make all of the flowers for us using silk flowers. Most of the flowers I have purchased I found at the dollar store!

~ Flower girl dresses. We found very simple white dresses at JC Penny. Hailey's was $46.00 and Ella's was $26.00 I will be able to dress them up and using ribbon that is our color. Much cheaper then buying the dresses from Davids bridal!

~I decided today that I am going to make our Unity Candles. If I buy a set pre-made it will cost $30 for $40. I could make all of it for about $15.

I have been clearance shopping, ebaying, and on amazon for weeks now trying to find the best deals for everything before I buy anything so i dont get screwed!!

Eat. PRAY? Love.

Since I havent posted on her in a year its about time I catch people up on my life....

Jesse and I are getting married:) July 9th 2011! We are very excited and everyone else seems to be too.

Jesse was granted FULL legal and psychical custody of Hailey in September of 2010. Since then Hailey has NOT seen her mom and had very little contact with her. GOD is GOOD!!

Jesse started back to work for Falcon transport. It sucks having him gone all the time but it will pay our bills.

Michael has been doing much better in school and staying focused!!

Hailey has come a very long way since I met her! She has turned into a "normal" little girl!! She is doing great in preschool!

Ella-Faith, well she is a little monster:) but We love her! She walks she talks and plays and hits!!!

I am almost done with school! Praise to GOD!!


The stress I have been feeling from wedding planning being a mom and student and soon to be wife has been taking its toll on me. I have not been sleeping much, I have been freaking out. I dont like it. I think alot of it has to do with Jesse being gone all week and worrying about making sure he is home on the weekend. I have been trying to work through it the best I can but it doesnt seem to be working.

I am always worried about:

Money

The Kids

Health

School

Jesse being gone

Money

Finding a house in a nice area

My Car

Jesse's car

Money

Trying to find a job


I could go on all day. I made a list last week of all of the things that worry me and I have been trying to pray about them everyday. Some days I fail. Others I pray about them several times.

So please pray for me. pray for my stress, my fear, my worry, and my sanity:)

Ecclesiastes 11:1-6

I have been having a very rough week. I am overly emotional and crabby. I feel left out unloveable and totally forgotten. No real reason for any of this to be going on. Other then being pregnant. I am making things up and worrying about things that dont exhist. I have convinced myself I and to fault for Wade wanting his space....Which is not true.




Ecclesiastes 11
Bread Upon the Waters
1 Cast your bread upon the waters,
for after many days you will find it again.

2 Give portions to seven, yes to eight,
for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.
(help others because you never know when you will need their help in return)
3 If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie.
(Everything happens for a reason and GOD has a plan for me)
4 Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.
(Dont worry about what is to come relax and let it happen)
5 As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
(More reminders of God"s plan for me)
6 Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.


I just opened my bible and found this...

It kinda says alot to me today. Its funny how just by letting the apges of my bible drop I found complete comfort in HIM. I have heard others talk about it but I finally found out for myself.

Lovin Godtube.com